If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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