mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
