so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
