i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
