The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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