i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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