Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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