Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
