Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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