you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
