There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
