Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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