I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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