you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
