and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
