Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
