A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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