wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
