dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
