i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
