Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
