So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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