My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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