guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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