Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
