don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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