I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
