so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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