so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
