all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
