My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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