Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
