Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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