Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
