There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
