Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
