It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
