Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
