Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
