I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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