im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
