my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
