never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
