Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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