we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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