I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
