3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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