Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
