I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
