from now on my penis is your penis
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
