My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
